Rinse
by keeponwritin
Summary: I couldn’t fight it, I couldn’t suppress it, so I became a victim, sobbing at its feet. My heart was evaporating into oblivion. I was weak and vulnerable puddy in his hands. He didn't know, though. He didn't know.'


[Disclaimer: I don't own Lizzie McGuire, which I think is a given. I also don't own the song, which is by Vanessa Carlton.  
  
Warning: I probably should warn you, this is PG-13, borderline R. I can't really say why, cause it gives away stuff, but if you're smart, you'll figure it out.  
  
Onto the story.]  
  
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I watched him out of the corner of my eye from my spot at the dork table...the short boy with the dark brown curls. I could see his deep blue eyes from there. But those eyes did not stare back into mine. No, never would this boy love me enough to look into my ordinary brown eyes. Instead, he looked at her. Concentrating on every word she said. She played with her blonde locks as she spoke of vapid and shallow topics, like boys and lip gloss. How could he even be friends with her? She had no insight, no depth. But it didn't matter. She was Lizzie McGuire; he was David Gordon. They were best friends forever. And I...I was just Parker McKenzie.  
  
_She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye  
She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise  
She's been wishing on the stars that shine so bright  
For answers to questions that will haunt her tonight  
  
_It began so long ago. I can't recall a time when I wasn't fawning over him. He was cute, yes, but it was so much more than that. He was dark and mysterious. Like a closed book, he left you wanting to know more. How I longed for a boy that wasn't just another mindless Backstreet Boy wannabe. So when I first met Gordo in 4th grade, I couldn't get him out of my head. Miranda and Kate obviously couldn't stand me, for reasons unknown to me. I barely knew them. Lizzie seemed uncomfortable when I was around, as if I was stealing him away from her. But I was too nice. I slowly detached myself from him, becoming more and more distant until one day, we just stopped talking. Throughout 5th and 6th grade, it become more and more apparent to me what Lizzie was doing--brainwashing him. Lizzie brainwashed Gordo into thinking she was a good friend, so he stuck by her side. So by the time I decided that not talking to him at all was a stupid idea, he wouldn't say a word to me. He was too busy with his supposed best friends. Everyone thought I still had a grudge against Lizzie since she sat on my lunchbox in 6th grade. My aunt got me that lunchbox and my mom made me use it. I think is the most nauseating movie in the history of the world. The real reason was that she did exactly to me what I avoided doing to her 4 years ago--stealing Gordo.   
_  
She must rinse this all away  
She can't hold him this way  
She must rinse this all away  
She can't love him this way  
  
_I'd do anything just to be around Gordo a little more, even if it meant I had to spend time with Lizzie and Miranda. All I ever desired, all I ever craved for was to speak one word with this boy. It became concrete in my mind so much that it seemed to be the only thing I cared for. If we could just be friends, even in hiding, even if we could only speak in e-mails, I just had to something. It was this plague overtaking my mind that was incurable and unstoppable. I couldn't fight it, I couldn't suppress it, so I became a victim, sobbing at its feet. My heart was evaporating into oblivion. I was weak and vulnerable puddy in his hands.  
  
He didn't know, though. He didn't know._  
  
How she'd be soothed  
How she'd be saved if he could see  
She needs to be held in his arms to be free  
But everything happens for reasons that she will never understand  
Til she knows that the heart of a woman   
Will never be found in the arms of a man  
  
_I just couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't Parker anymore, I was her former self. I was a ghost, a mere echo of what used to be. The few friends I had were driven away by my emotionless state of being. They didn't know how it felt to be shoved towards the brink of insanity due to their own aching desires. The plague in my mind was no longer the thought of Gordo; it _was_ Gordo. Every minor detail, every breath he took was sacred. I deemed myself unworthy of his presence, therefore preventing myself from ever capturing the one thing I needed to survive in this God-forsaken life: his love. Just a drop of it, like blood in a vial, was all that I needed. But he didn't love me, nor would he ever. Not after the cruel way I treated him._  
  
She must rinse this all away  
She can't hold anybody this way  
She must rinse this all away  
She can't love him   
  
_I can't explain my own actions sometimes. When Gordo asked me to go to the dance, there was this sensation of something that felt so foreign to me at that point in time: hope. A tiny speck of it lit a fire in me which almost rekindled my soul back into existence. Then why, why in God's name would I ever reject something that could wash away the pain in my splintered heart? The whole incident took place many months after I'd deemed myself unworthy of Gordo's presence. Going to the dance with him was practically out of the question. He wasn't in my league. He never was. He was God to me, and to say yes would've been to say I was worthy of spending time with him. I just couldn't take on such a narcissistic view of myself, not with him knowing. So I made a lame excuse so I wouldn't have to go with him and found someone that was in my league. Little did I know my lame excuse' would go so far as to hurt him deeply. That was when this happened. That was when I plunged into an abysmal depression.   
_  
And if she runs away she fears she won't be followed  
What could be worse than leaving something behind  
And as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow  
It's loneliness she finds...  
If only he was mine  
  
_How could I have hurt someone who was so deserving of all of my love? How could I have hurt someone who was such a selfless and caring person? How could I have hurt the only real friend I ever had? But I had. I'd hit the core of his heart and shattered it with my own reckless words. He never really forgave me. Temporarily, maybe, but after 8th grade, things were never the same. He wouldn't even go near me, not without scowling. And his friends, Lizzie and Miranda, their hate grew stronger, as did the wall they kept between me and their best friend. I knew I'd hit rock bottom._  
  
She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye  
She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise  
She's been wishing on the stars that shine so bright  
For answers to questions that will haunt her tonight  
  
_I suffered for months and months before one frigid December night in the middle of 9th grade. I awoke suddenly at midnight with a plan. Robotically, I marched downstairs, grabbing a knife from the kitchen. I stomped out the door and slammed it behind me, not caring who I awoke. I ran in my pajamas as fast as my legs could take me towards Gordo's house, into his backyard. I threw pebbles at his window until it opened, and when he finally got up and looked down at me, I'd lost control. I knew if I was going to do, I was going to do it in front of him. For the first time in my life, I wanted him to suffer, suffer like I had done for him for years. I wanted him to share the pain and mental anguish as I writhed in agony outside his window.  
  
Parker, what are you...' he began, but stopped abruptly. I'd raised the knife in my fists and aimed for my heart. The tip of the knife was pricking at the thin flesh around my ribcage. Parker, what the hell are you doing?' he whispered firmly down to me.  
  
I'm killing myself.'_  
  
She must rinse him  
She must rinse him  
She can't rinse him  
She can't rinse him  
She can't, she won't, she must rinse him  
She can't, she won't, she must rinse him  
  
_Within seconds, Gordo had gone down the stairs and out to his backyard to finally face me, still with the knife in my hands, ready to do it any second now. I'd waited for him to come down so he could see me do it. So he could watch as I squirmed and waited the few painful seconds between the time I lodged the knife into myself and the time I finally died. I didn't want to explain to him why I was doing this. I didn't want to have a big Hollywood ending where I declared my love for him and then committed suicide. He didn't have to know. He wasn't _meant_ to know. I needed my soul back, and I was about to get it.  
  
Cautiously, Gordo approached me, muttering things to me about settling down' and not doing this'. I wanted him to get closer, and watch me bleed to death. When I was sure he was close enough that he couldn't interfere, I pushed the knife slowly forward, feeling cold steel enter my body. And I still remember my last thoughts: For Gordo.  
  
But at the same second, Gordo tackled me from the side and seized the knife out of my hands. _  
  
She must rinse this all away  
She can't hold him this way  
She must rinse this all away  
She can't love him this way  
  
_I don't remember anything else from that night. The doctors told me if I'd gone any further, I would've died instantaneously. And they said it's a miracle I didn't bleed to death. But you know what?   
  
I still love him. I still love him.  
  
Nodding, the young black nurse patted the old woman's back, trying to calm her down. Then, after a few seconds, there was a knock on the door. Without an invitation in, the door opened. In stepped an old man, with small patches of gray hair on opposite sides of his head, and deep-set blue eyes. The nurse smiled and stood up, grabbing the man's arm, eager to introduce them properly.  
  
Ms. McKenzie, I believe you know--   
  
  
  
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[A/N: Crazy ending, huh? I didn't even think of it until...well, near the end. Then I went back and added the quotation marks at the end of the beginning. :)  
  
You know what's funny? I planned on posting this in like, MAY. Yes, MAY. I started it in March or something. So if it seems like it got really dark towards the middle, it's not just you. It probably did. Because I wasn't planning on making it dark when I started it. In fact, I didn't really plan on anything for it.   
  
Pleaseee lemme know what you think: please review. Thank you!]


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